A new world record was set at the Mobile-Phone Throwing Contest in Finland. The winner receives a medal but no reception.

62-year-old Diana Nyad tried to swim from Cuba to Florida, but only made it 67 nautical miles. We’d just like to say that we have never failed in an attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida, ever. So there.

There’s a new number one party school. How on Earth will they mark this accomplishment?

Police are searching for thieves who took 500 canaries. They should probably start with the guys with bulging, chirping, trench coats

Tennis great Maria Sharapova has a new line of candy called Sugarpova. Wonder if Suzy Chapstick warned her about how nicknames can stick to a gal sometimes?

Coffee might be good for you. But we plan to keep drinking it anyway.

11 miles of the Mississippi River has been closed. So for all you water molecules reading this, you’ll have to find another way to the Gulf.

In most-important-question-ever-asked news: Does bacon-flavored Coke exist?

The world has lost one beautiful pillowcase full of doorknobs. Rest in peace, Phyllis Diller.