Newsdroppings

The stock market hates Mondays too. We have so much in common.

Ryan Lochte is “always looking” for the perfect girl, so she’s probably a mermaid or a lifeguard.

A helium shortage is in full effect which means your spot-on chipmunk impression will have to wait.

National parks are facing severe budget problems, according to a big, hairy spokesperson who was kind’a hard to understand due to a  mouth full of food from a pic-a-nic basket.

You can pay for donuts with your phone. This almost makes up for the “no flying cars yet” thing. Almost.

But you should always tip in cash, experts say, because credit cards tips don’t always reach the intended recipient, and using the barter system by leaving a live chicken is confusing and messy.

Here’s how to deal with your kid’s weird friend. Also, keep in mind that your kid is probably some other kid’s weird friend.

Why did the 14-year-old Canadian girl cross Lake Ontario? To raise money for cancer research. Way better than the chicken joke, we know.

Curiosity may or may not have killed the cat. But it did shoot a Mars rock with a laser, which is still pretty cool.

Two brothers in New York are offering ads printed on toilet paper. Apparently they’re planning to ply people with advertisements until their business is either flush, or they’re wiped out.