How to use the TSA to justify your full-blown alcoholism.

Hic! Sure, that pink elephant just walks on with who-knows-what in his trunk, but I'm a "problem."

It's the oldest boozehound trick in the book: "They won't let me drink, so quick! We have to drink a hugely irresponsible amount really fast!" We pity the poor security guard who had to do her body scanner only to have her hardened, cirrhotic liver show up as a possible biohazard. Of course, she's not completely beyond redemption, since she also got a bunch of other people drunk at 7:30 in the morning. Oh, wait, that's almost as bad as her disheveled straw hat. At least she managed to touch her boobs exactly when someone took a picture of her. Oh, wait. Jeez, this lady has problems.